


Gin the Billionaire

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Censorship, Comedy, M/M, Not My Fault, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 21:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19036147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Twenty men and women have been told they are vying for the love of multi-billionaire Sakata Gintoki, but the truth is, Sakata Gintoki is a lazy man with naturally curly hair. When only one eligible bachelor or bachelorette remains, he or she will be told the truth and given a choice: take five million yen and never see Gintoki again, or walk away from the money and choose to be with Gintoki.The show’s premise was sound, but everything else about it was flawed.Gin the Billionairewas a reality TV failure.





	Gin the Billionaire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sweetysweetssugarytreats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/gifts), [Cerulean_Gaze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerulean_Gaze/gifts), [PriorityNaps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PriorityNaps/gifts).



> ~~Blame~~ Credit where credit ~~no, I definitely meant to say blame~~ is due: It all started with Sweetysweetssugarytreats’ _Gintoki’s Strange Addiction_ and was continued with Cerulean_Gaze’s _Hijikata’s Strange Addiction_. I ~~foolishly~~ commented on the latter story with a synopsis for a reality TV AU idea ~~moral of the story: don’t drink and leave comments on fanfic, kids~~ , and Low__Battery ~~unsubtly~~ suggested I make it a real story.

**_The baseball game between the Tokyo Yakult Swallows and the Hiroshima Toyo Carp is in rain delay. While we wait for the weather to clear, we will be airing the documentary ‘Gin the Billionaire: Behind the Scenes of a Reality TV Failure.’_ **

 

**Reality television is arguably more popular than ever. One aspiring television producer sought to cash in on its popularity with an unconventional dating show that was to be called _Gin the Billionaire_. In the only post-production clip from the show, the premise is explained.**

_Sweeping aerial shots of a grand estate and rich people doing rich-people things roll on-screen, while the singular voice of Kamiya Hiroshi narrates._

“Twenty men and women have been gathered from across Japan to vie for the love of multi-billionaire Sakata Gintoki. For the next twenty weeks, they will live the life of luxury befitting a suitor of the heir to the Sakata family fortune. They will be wined and dined and given opportunities to win Gintoki’s love.”

_The background music increases in intensity._

“Each week, one person will be sent home. Only then will they find out the truth.”

_The screen switches to a montage of Gintoki at his worst: stumbling home drunk; yawning and scratching his butt as he wakes up at noon; picking his nose; hiding when Otose comes by to collect the rent, etc._

“Sakata Gintoki is no billionaire. He’s a lazy man with naturally curly hair, who doesn’t even make enough money to pay his rent or feed his dog.”

_Creepy CG is used, to show Gintoki transforming from a man with straight hair and a bespoke suit to his usual slack-faced, natural-perm self._

“When only one eligible bachelor or bachelorette remains, he or she will be told the truth about Gintoki and given a choice: take five million yen and never see Gintoki again, or walk away from the money and choose to be with Gintoki. Will true love prevail over the love of money? Find out, starting tonight on…” _The show’s title appears on-screen in large, dainty calligraphy._ “… ‘Gin the Billionaire.’”

 

**As indicated by the show’s narrator, _Gin the Billionaire_ was intended to run for twenty hour-long episodes. The show’s first episode began with the bachelors and bachelorettes being brought out to what they believed was Gintoki’s estate. They met the ‘billionaire’ for the first time that evening at a champagne and hors d’oeuvres reception in the estate’s ballroom. Unfortunately, the show was doomed from the start, as can be seen in raw footage of the reception.**

_The host gestures toward the ballroom’s giant double-doors._ “Ladies and gentlemen, the heir to the famed Sakata family fortune, Sakata Gintoki!”

 _The doors are opened, and Gintoki walks in with well-groomed hair, wearing a white tuxedo. As soon as he sees the host, his eyes bug out of his head._ “K-Ketsuno Ana?!” _He runs over to her, clasps her hands, and smiles idiotically._ “Ketsuno Ana? You’re here?! It’s so great to meet you! The other day, when you warned it would rain, you really saved my hide. I wouldn’t have known to grab an umbrella if I hadn’t seen your forecast—"

_A production assistant comes out and whispers into Gintoki’s ear._

_Gintoki backs away from Ketsuno Ana, clears his throat, and speaks in a fashion that suggests his words were scripted._ “Good evening, my esteemed guests, and welcome to Sakata Estates. As the sole heir to the Sakata family fortune, I have everything I could ever want in life, except the most important thing: love. That’s why the twenty of you are here. I hope to find love with one of you.”

 _Ketsuno Ana speaks again._ “To help everyone get to know each other—”

_Loud shouting can be heard in the background. The camera pans over to several crew members attempting to keep one of the contestants away from the buffet table full of fancy hors d’oeuvres._

“Let me go aru!” _The redheaded young woman shakes the crew members off and scarfs down half the food on the table in under thirty seconds._

_The camera cuts to black. When it comes back, it’s clear several minutes have passed, and the redhead is conspicuously missing._

_Ketsuno Ana starts over._ “To help everyone get to know each other, we have arranged for—”

“Hey! Where are you going? You can’t just leave!” _Producer Hasegawa is yelling at a contestant who is walking away._

 _The young redheaded man turns around, bearing a scary smile and cracking his knuckles intimidatingly._ “I need to… _talk_ …to my sister. When I’m done with her, I’m going to have a heart-to-heart with my old man.” _He walks away, tossing his bowtie aside._

**To have the titular bachelor’s first time on film show him acting like a buffoon was bad enough, but to lose two of the twenty contestants before the host was able to speak two sentences meant there was no way the show could possibly run for the full twenty weeks. However, that wasn’t the end of episode one’s troubles, as you will see in raw footage of the end of the event, where Gintoki is supposed to select one contestant to send home.**

_The bachelors and bachelorettes are gathered into a group, where they are again addressed by Ketsuno Ana._ “As you know—”

 _Producer Hasegawa can be heard shouting in the background. The camera is set down on the floor, pointing at a random table leg while Hasegawa yells._ “How could no one tell that Captain Katsuura and Zurako were the same person? Someone should have noticed from the start that we only had nineteen contestants instead of twenty! … Ugh, whatever, just keep going.”

 _The camera is picked back up and pointed at Ketsuno Ana, who starts over._ “As you know, one of you will—"

 _Hasegawa speaks again._ “Should we be sending _anyone_ home?” _The camera is set down, this time carelessly pointed toward Gintoki’s ankle._ “Kagura and Kamui left before we even started, Captain Katsuura and Zurako were disqualified for being the same person, Elizabeth left with him, we had to have Tsukuyo taken to the hospital to have her stomach pumped because she drank too much champagne, and now Shinpachi and Pandemonium ran off together! We’re down to twelve people as it is! … Yeah, I know, I know; the eliminations are the main reason people tune in. Fine, keep going.”

 _For a third time, the camera is pointed to Ketsuno Ana._ “As you know, one of you will be sent home tonight. Gintoki has, um…” _She pauses to quickly revise the number._ “…eleven necklaces to give out. Gintoki, please begin.”

_One person at a time, he places the necklaces around the necks of the bachelors and bachelorettes he has chosen, until only two remain. He walks the final necklace over to the two and starts to place it around one of their necks. As his fingers brush the contestant’s skin, they freak out, letting out a battle cry and throwing Gintoki into the far wall of the ballroom. He makes a Gintoki-shaped dent in the drywall before falling head-first onto a banquet table._

“Kyuubei!” _Tae runs over to console her friend._

 _Still hyperventilating, Kyuubei apologizes._ “Tae-chan, I’m sorry. I thought if I could get to his money, I could give it to you, so you can revive your family’s dojo, but I can’t deal with being touched by a man. I failed you. I’m sorry; I have to leave.”

 _Tae responds tenderly._ “Kyuu-chan…If you’re leaving, I’m going with you.”

 _Hasegawa yells at Tae and Kyuubei as they walk away._ “No!! You can’t go! We’ve already lost too many contestants! This show won’t last two weeks at this rate, much less twenty! How are we supposed to last long enough to pay for Kamiya Hiroshi’s voiceover work? He’s not cheap, you know!”

 _The remaining contestant gives a smug grin and crosses his arms._ “I guess this means _I_ get the final necklace.”

_Gintoki stands up, covered in drywall dust, with his hair back to its usual puffiness. He runs at the contestant and slices into him with his wooden sword._

\----------

_Cut to Kintoki, exposed wires dangling from the slash across his chest, waiting outside the estate for a cab to take him home. The show’s crew tell him the truth._

“Sakata Gintoki is lazy and destitute? I knew that. My brother’s many flaws are the whole reason I exist.”

 

**One episode in, there were only nine contestants left instead of the nineteen they intended. As a result, the network cut the show from a twenty-episode run down to ten. Producer Hasegawa was fired and replaced by Producer Ikumatsu.**

**Between episodes one and two, there were further issues with the contestants. Isao left to pursue Tae. Shinsuke went on the lam after trying to slit Gintoki’s throat while he slept. Despite having saved Gintoki’s life by throwing a barrage of shuriken at Shinsuke, Ayame was disqualified for misconduct, because at the time of Shinsuke’s attack, she was in the middle of drilling a hole in the wall of Gintoki’s bedroom so she could spy on him. There is no footage of these events, as the entire production crew had already quit, citing a lack of confidence they would ever get paid.**

**With only Gintoki, six contestants, a host, and one production staff member remaining, episode two was unlikely to be anything but a disaster. The show ran out of money to continue renting some of the items they used to make Gintoki appear independently wealthy, including the yacht they planned to use during episode thirteen. The owners of the yacht were coming to repossess it the following day, so Producer Ikumatsu decided to film episode two on the yacht, four days earlier than planned. She was also forced to carry out all production roles in the absence of any other employees.**

_Just before dusk, the contestants are led onto the yacht by Ketsuno Ana._ “Each of you gets to have a fifteen-minute date alone with Gintoki above-deck, enjoying the ocean breeze as the yacht sails out to sea—”

 _The camera jostles when Ikumatsu waves to get Ketsuno Ana’s attention. She can be heard speaking off-camera._ “Actually, we couldn’t afford to hire anyone to pilot the yacht.”

 _The camera focuses on Ketsuno Ana again, and she corrects her previous statement._ “Each of you gets to have a fifteen-minute date alone with Gintoki above-deck, enjoying the view of the other vessels docked at the marina. When it’s not your turn, you are welcome to relax below-deck. Sougo, you will be the first to have a one-on-one date with Gintoki.”

_A montage of date scenes rolls:_

             ----------

“What do you look for in a partner, Sougo?”

“I need someone who understands that public humiliation play is just my way of showing my love.”

“…”

             ----------

“So, Tama, what would you do if you suddenly found yourself with billions of yen?”

“If I had that kind of money, the first thing I would do is upgrade the graphics card for my optical receptors.”

“…”

             ----------

“Why did you come on this show, Toshi?”

“I’m here because I’m looking for someone to share my life with. I’m not hung up on looks, and I don’t need someone who’s well-off. I really just want a partner who will stand next to me as my equal. I want someone who’s real and who doesn’t try to hide who they are.” _He laughs a little._ “Hell, you should see how much I smoke, and I wouldn’t give up mayonnaise for anything, so I can accept a lot of flaws. I want someone I can be open and honest with and that I can trust to do the same in return.”

_Gintoki says something that sounds suspiciously like ‘marry me,’ but it’s impossible to hear him clearly over the sound of the yacht’s engine roaring to life. The vessel stirs up water as it takes flight._

“What the f*** is going on?!” _Toshi shouts over the noise._

 _Gintoki, Toshi, and Ikumatsu and her camera run for the wheelhouse. Gintoki bursts into the room first and yells,_ “What the hell are you doing, idiot?!”

“Oh, hahahaha, Kintoki! It was boring waiting below-deck for my turn, so I decided to take her out.”

 _Gintoki scowls and demands,_ “Land this thing, right now!!”

“Hahahaha, I will, I will! For now, you two have fun on your date. I’ll take her up the coast, so you can enjoy the view of the cityscape.”

_Apparently deciding they have nothing to lose by letting Tatsuma have his way, Gintoki, Toshi, and Ikumatsu leave the wheelhouse and go back to the deck._

_The vessel gently cruises through the skies above the coast, giving them a romantic view of the lights of the beach cities._

_Gintoki asks Toshi,_ “Where is everyone else?”

“Gone. Ketsuno Ana quit the show. Sougo left after your date, because he said you can’t have two sadists in a relationship. Catherine stole all the silverware from the yacht and fled, Tama went back to her job, and Zenzou said something about hemorrhoids and needing to get to the hospital. I thought Tatsuma had left as well, but I guess he just got bored and decided to take the yacht for a joyride.”

 _Gintoki nods, and the two men stand next to each other, looking out over the railing surrounding the deck. After a minute, he admits,_ “There is no ‘Sakata family fortune.’”

 _Toshi looks at him, showing surprise, then looks away and responds,_ “I’ve seen enough reality TV to know lying to lure in contestants happens all the time. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“No, you don’t understand. I have no money. I’m uneducated. I do odd jobs. I’m usually a few months behind on rent. I employ two teenagers, but I don’t really pay them. My hair is curly. I’m lazy. I drink too much. I love sleeping in. If I don’t eat sweets at least four times a day, I get really cranky.”

 _Gintoki ruffles his hands through his hair in frustration._ “I should have told that idiot Madao to f*** off when he told me he had an opportunity for me to get back on prime-time television.” _He mimics Hasegawa’s voice._ “‘For twenty weeks, you’ll live like you’re independently wealthy, with a harem of hotties after your d***, and you will get paid, on top of it!’ I was so desperate for cash to buy something sugary, I listened to him, and look where it got me! I’ve met the perfect man – someone who’s looking for the exact same things I am in a partner, someone who seems like he might even be willing to put up with my sugar habit – and he probably wants to toss me over the side of this yacht to fall to my death in the ocean for lying to him.” _He buries his face in his hands._

 _There’s a brief silence, then Toshi speaks._ “I think we should give it a chance – you know, date… but I should warn you, I’m definitely not the ‘perfect man.’”

 _Gintoki looks over at him, wide-eyed._ “S***, did I say all of that out loud?! Most of it was supposed to be in my head for only the audience to hear!” _He sighs, then hangs his head_. “If you knew the plans for the last episode of the show, you’d change your mind about dating me. The final contestant is offered five million yen in exchange for never seeing me again, just to show how greedy and shallow people really are. You should take the money; I’m not worth three hundred yen, much less five million.”

_A couple minutes pass in silence, save the sound created by the yacht sailing through the night’s sky._

_Toshi breaks the silence._ “I’m not greedy or shallow. I really did come on this show hoping to find love. As much as I want five million yen, I don’t want it if I have to give up getting to know you better.”

 _Gintoki cautiously lifts his head._ “Are you sure? That’s a lot of money to walk away from.”

 _Toshi nods._ “I’m sure.”

_Gintoki suddenly hugs Toshi, who hugs back._

_Ikumatsu can be heard muttering,_ “Oh, thank God. The show’s budget doesn’t have five million yen left.”

 

**That’s where the footage ends. Neither episode was ever edited, much less aired. Most everyone involved refuses to speak about the experience, but a few were willing to meet with us.**

_Clips from several interviews are shown:_

             ----------

“How do you feel about your last TV production credit being the failed ‘Gin the Billionaire’?”

_Someone who looks a lot like Captain Katsuura/Zurako can be seen in the background wiping down a table, and Elizabeth seems to be headed out the door in a ramen delivery uniform._

“It’s fine. I always dreamed of running my own ramen shop, and being out of work gave me the free time I needed to make it happen.”

             ----------

“Do you regret having not taken the five million yen?”

“Not at all. Gintoki and I get along really well. I’m glad I met him.”

             ----------

“How are things between you and Toshi since the show ended?”

“Great. He’s perfect. Hey, let the delivery guy through.”

_The documentary crew moves aside. Elizabeth waddles through with a ramen delivery._

 

**As you can see, some good came of the disaster that was _Gin the Billionaire_. It even served its ostensible purpose of helping Gintoki find love with one of the contestants. **

**Once it became clear the show would never see the airwaves, network executives had to scramble to fill the timeslot. The last-minute replacement became one of the most successful, beloved shows of all time. The hearts and minds of audiences worldwide were captivated by _Baka Ouji_ , which chronicled the hardships met by the crew of the eponymous vessel as they attempted to please their vessel’s namesake by catching cute creatures for him to add to his collection.**

**Reality television’s popularity has not waned, and there is no shortage of shows, good, bad, and mediocre, to choose from, but no other show has quite as interesting a backstory as _Gin the Billionaire._ It may never lose the title of worst reality TV failure of the Edo Period.**

**_The baseball game between the Tokyo Yakult Swallows and the Hiroshima Toyo Carp is still in rain delay. Please stay tuned as we air reruns of ‘Baka Ouji.’_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I did not make up those baseball team names. Those are actual Japanese professional baseball teams.


End file.
